In Your Perfect Eyes
by schu-jfk
Summary: No one is born a monster. Walter knows as much, but Alucard himself is in doubt. To admit your capability of compassion and fear takes courage, even for one who is well over 500 years old, and so does finding out what turned your lover into a beast.


_A/N: So here it is… the first chapter of The Fic That Ate My Life. It seems I can never quite write it the way I want to, so I thought I'd give it a go and post it regardless, rather than editing it to death. I hope you'll like some of it, at least. ;)_

Oh, and it shall also be noted that this must be taking place in some alternative universe, where things between Walter and Alucard never_ turn the way they do in the manga (honestly, that is breaking my heart), because I think our boys deserve some happiness. Yes, even Alucard. _Especially_ him. ;) So unless you _want_ them to be nasty to each other, don't read._

That said, no characters herein belong to me but to Hirano-sama and I make no profit yaddi yadda. Just borrowing for my own pleasure.

Chomp away!

**In Your Perfect Eyes**

We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own

We don't need   
Anything  
Or anyone

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel

Those three words  
Are said too much  
They're not enough

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time  
Chasing cars  
Around our heads

I need your grace  
To remind me  
To find my own

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am  
All that I ever was  
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where  
Confused about how as well  
Just know that these things will never change for us at all 

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

(Snow Patrol: Chasing Cars)

_I can't remember my childhood._

I honestly can't.

_At least, that is what I tell myself._

That is what I wish.

_And still, every time I close my eyes, there it is._

_There was a time, before all this, when I was actually happy. Just a child, like anyone else._

_It's that memory I try to repress. The thought of all the defeats of a lifetime hurts, of course, but it hurts more to know that I wasn't always this way._

_The grass is always greener. I was human once. Then, I thought that with powers like these, I could do anything._

_I was wrong._

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The display on the clock by the bedside showed 4:07 a.m. At first she wasn't quite sure what it was that had woken her up; it was still dark outside, and no sound could be heard within her quarters. Sir Integra Hellsing shook her head, turned onto her other side and prepared to go back to sleep.

Hang on. _No sound could be heard? _That was exactly what was wrong, she thought as she opened her eyes again. Her bedroom was completely soundless, and yet there was this unmistakable feeling of someone _being there_.

In the matter of half a second, she had tossed the covers aside, grabbed the gun from under her pillow and fired towards the general direction of her closet. She was rewarded with a muffled grunt of irritation and put the gun aside, suddenly rather pleased with herself.

"Alucard, for the love of God! How many times have I told you not to pass through my rooms when you roam around at night?" she asked, trying to sound more stern than sleepy.

She reached over and turned the lights on, crossing her arms over her chest as she glared at the intruder. Alucard was, indeed, in the corner by her closet, squinting against the light. He gave her a lopsided grin as she curled tighter in on herself, making sure she was properly covered by nightgown and duvet. Though something about him didn't seem right, she noted, and it wasn't just the fact that there was a bleeding wound in his shoulder that was currently healing up.

"'For the love of_ God_?'" he drawled in an amused voice, eyeing her under thick black lashes before continuing, "Terribly sorry, Master, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Waking me has nothing to do with it. You're not supposed to _be_ here, period."

The vampire shrugged.

"This is a shortcut. I thought that if I didn't wake you, it wouldn't matter."

"It matters to _me_. If I catch you in here again, I'll slice you up and spread you over so big a surface it will take you a week to reassemble yourself again. Understood?"

To Integra's surprise, Alucard simply nodded, and the slightly odd behaviour brought her back to the matter at hand – that something was seemed strange about him. Indicating that he should come and sit down in the chair by her bed, she sat up straighter, her eyes narrowing.

Upon closer inspection, she realised that the oddness was due that the vampire's coat was missing. She was more than used to seeing him without his hat and shades, but it struck her that she had actually ever only seen him without his coat once. No matter where she happened upon the vampire during the night – or day, actually – he was always impeccably dressed, as if preparing to leave.

It wasn't that Integra didn't understand his need to look smart – she herself was always more comfortable in her uniform when other people where around; it gave her an air of professionalism, of authority; it even helped to modify her stature into something rather impressive.

But even the Hellsing director needed some downtime, and on the very few occasions when there was only her, Walter, Alucard and Seras in the house, she would resort to wearing something more comfortable, like jeans and a shirt. Always clean and proper, of course; she'd probably never be relaxed enough around others to wear something worn and stained, but it was still far from her usual attire.

Walter, too, had his "less correct" moments and would slip into a pair of old pants when he thought no one was looking, but Integra had never seen Alucard do anything of the sort. She could wander into his rooms at any given time and always, without fail, find him dressed to his teeth.

Looking over at him now, where he was draped across her chair, she realised in a way why it was so. Alucard was a man of impressive stature, but what one never noticed when he wore his coat was exactly how slender he was. Beneath the fine, white shirt and thin vest he was wearing, his shoulders and arms looked almost boyishly thin, and Integra noted, not without some jealousy, that he had a ridiculously slim waistline.

She had never seen him looking like that before, and it was easy to see why he normally wouldn't let her, either. Without all his usual flair, Alucard looked far from the invincible monster Integra knew he could be. It wasn't just that he looked strangely _human_, he looked… vulnerable.

Alucard fidgeted a little; it was only a slight pulling together of his brows, really, but Integra knew it meant that he was starting to get uncomfortable, probably with her scrutiny. And sure enough, she could see him pull himself upright in an attempt to leave.

"I'd like you to stay, Alucard," she stated calmly and raised a hand as he opened his mouth to protest. "That's an order."

Red eyes glowered at her for a moment, but they both knew it was an empty threat. Alucard wasn't able to disobey her if she was intent on stopping him, and right now, she was; too fascinated with her findings to stop.

His gloves, too, were missing, a strange sight to behold. Usually he would wear them at all times, even on warm summer nights where everyone else could barely stand to sleep under thin cotton sheets, but for some reason, he had left them behind now. Following her gaze, he clasped long, pale fingers together and tucked his hands between his knees.

"Are you all right?"

The words slipped out of her mouth before she'd even had a time to reflect upon them, and she regretted it the second she saw Alucard's fangs bared in what she guessed could pass as a grin.

"Always, Master," he said cheerfully and winked at her. "Why do you ask?"

To her dismay, Integra felt her cheeks flush for no apparent reason and hurried to stammer out:

"Never mind. You may leave, if you like."

"I'd like."

Integra looked down at her duvet as he rose, to keep her reddened face hidden from view, but if she had expected to be taunted for it, she was wrong. Alucard simply nodded at her and vanished through the wall.

Once she was sure she was alone, she exhaled heavily and sank back into her pillows. Damn vampire. She didn't know why, but sometimes when he spoke to her, he made the most innocent phrases sound like lewd suggestions, and no matter how much she tried, it was impossible to ignore that particular feeling.

Her pillow got an irritated whack before she finally allowed herself to relax, and in her already drowsy state, she could happily pretend it was Alucard's face her fist was connecting to.

----------------------------------------

"Walter."

"Good morning, Alucard," Walter said softly, not moving from his position on his side. "I thought I heard you rummaging about."

"Morning."

A soft plopping sound was heard in the room, and as the butler finally turned, he saw Alucard slouching in a chair by the window, one knee drawn up to his chest. The vampire didn't even look at him for the longest time, but when he finally did, Walter noted the ruby glow of his eyes.

"You don't seem to be in the best of moods," the younger man remarked softly and swung his legs over the side of the bed, walking over to him. "Did something happen on the way here?" 

"_Master_ happened."

Alucard's voice was low, barely a growl, and Walter quirked an eyebrow at him.

"_You're_ usually the one irritating_ her_ to the point of exhaustion," he pointed out and was rewarded with a pale grin. Good. He didn't like it when Alucard was… well, he guessed that 'moody' was the wrong word as that was the vampire's usual state of mind, but something to that extent, at least. Perhaps 'grumpy' fitted better.

"Yeah, well, she does take her stabs at me as well, you know."

"Oh, trust me, I _know_," Walter chuckled. "But you don't usually let it bother you."

Alucard shrugged, looking sour again.

"So," Walter asked, "care to share your ire with me over a cup of tea?"

Another small smile, and a nod. Walter scuffled out into his small kitchen to prepare a pot and dig out something they could nibble on. Contrary to popular belief and unlike other vampires, Alucard was more than capable of both eating and drinking like a human. (If Walter had a say himself, the vampire was also good enough at it to display a rather prominent sweet tooth. Liquorice and chocolates in particular seemed to have an appeal to him, along with anything that ended with –berry.)

It hadn't always been like that, though. Walter knew, because Alucard had told him, that the vampire had once been as indisposed to food as Seras was, but that it wasn't so anymore. Walter had, a little curiously, asked how that could be so, but Alucard had looked so tight-lipped at the question that the younger man quickly dropped it and never spoke of it since. The sleeping dog lay where it lay.

Walter returned into the bedroom with his tray, and they sat by the window in comfortable silence for a long while, sipping tea and enjoying their early, not too healthy breakfast of After Eights.

"I'm sorry for waking you," Alucard finally said in a voice he usually reserved for the times when only was Walter around. "I just can't seem to sleep properly, regardless of whether it's night or day. It's boring to sit up all night without company."

"You're always welcome to wake me," Walter said softly.

"Master called me over as I passed through her room," Alucard went on, abruptly changing the topic. "She wanted to… inspect me."

"Inspect you?" Walter asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Mhm."

Two After Eights vanished from the tray and reappeared in Alucard's hand.

"Don't ask me why. She told me to sit, and then she proceeded to stare at me from head to toe like she'd never seen me before."

He snarled quietly, and Walter smiled to himself. Alucard might wholeheartedly acknowledge Integra as his master, and he would obey her, but there were certain occasions on which he would resent it with all his being nonetheless. Being stared at by Integra was, for some strange reason, one of the vampire's pet peeves, and being _ordered_ to let himself be stared at… Walter could understand his odd mood. 

"She _does_ care about you, you know," Walter pointed out, and Alucard snorted, staring into his mug of tea.

"Not half as much as she cares about herself. I made it rather obvious that I didn't wish to be there, and she _ordered_ me to stay, simply so she could stare her fill at me, like I was part of some freak show. Just to satisfy her goddamn curiosity."

He snorted again, as if to make a point. Walter couldn't help but smile, and the vampire caught onto him, dealing him a poisonous glare.

"Don't frown at me like that. I was just thinking how funny it is that you don't notice, with all your extra senses," Walter chuckled.

"Notice what?"

The vampire's voice still sounded sulky, but now there was a slight note of interest in it. Walter realised he had gotten the upper hand, so he grinned and waved a hand at Alucard.

"Alucard, look at yourself. You're tall, dark and handsome, and you appear in Integra's bedroom as naked as she has ever seen you – and you're _surprised_ she wanted you to stay? Quite frankly, I think she only did what any other sane woman would have done when faced with such a sight. Maybe there is some hope for her, after all."

Alucard blinked at him. Then he did it again.

"Are you saying that Integra thinks I'm _handsome_?" he finally asked, sounding uncharacteristically baffled.

"Is that such an unthinkable scenario?"

"Well. It's been a while since she had any thoughts in that direction about _anyone_," Alucard pointed out, very elegantly trying to hide the fact that he was a little flustered.

"True, but you should be happy that she at least has good taste," Walter smiled. "Now, control that blushing of yours and go to bed. You look like you could sleep standing."

"You know I don't sleep well right now."

"Yes, silly vampire, and it makes you sulky and grumpy and God knows what else, and I can't stand it. Off. Scoot."

He waved a hand at Alucard, who obediently rose and bowed with a sarcastic grin. Walter smiled. Good. Sarcastic was definitely an improvement.

----------------------------------------

The dream started off pleasantly enough. They always did when he had company.

He was swimming.

The water was cold. It didn't stop him though; he plunged right in, ignoring the shrieks of the boy behind him.

"It's too cold! Brother, come back up!"

"No way."

He laughed and swam; lazy strokes along the line of the beach.

"Why don't you come in and join me?" he called up to the small figure on the bank, who was fighting a losing battle with his hair and the wind.

"Because it's _freezing_!"

He nodded, took a deep breath and dove, marvelling at how quiet the world was under water. A small part of him revelled a little in the fact that he was the strongest swimmer. His baby brother might have everyone enchanted with his fair face and lovely voice, but he wasn't half as good at swimming, or running, or riding. He assumed being the ugly one must have some perks, and he didn't mind them much at the moment.

Suddenly there were hands on his shoulders, pushing him further down. He struggled, wriggling in the strong hold to kick at the offender and swallowed water in panic. Somehow, he managed to surface, coughing and spluttering, and stared in shock at his brother.

"What are you _doing_??" he shouted, trying to keep the fear out of his voice.

"Does it matter?" the boy asked in a tongue he knew all too well but had always refused to speak, even though none of them would technically learn it for many years yet. "You're already dead."

"I don't speak _swine_," he growled and rose, noting in surprise that he was as tall as a grown man suddenly.

"So that is what have become of you," the boy sneered, eyes far too dark and serious for one his age as he scrutinized his older brother. "Adrift in time, unable even to die. How pathetic."

"This is what _you_ made me into, so don't you criticise me, _brother_," he sneered back.

The boy laughed, but there was no joy in his voice.

"_Father_ made you this way, not me. _He_ was the one who gave us away. I merely learned how to adapt to the new situation, unlike you who fought them every step of the way. And look where it got you to."

"There is a difference between adaptation and betrayal. Call me pathetic all you like, but at least_ I_ never gave up."

"Only on your pride," the boy taunted, and he sneered in rage and charged, wrapped gloved hands around the boy's throat and squeezed. Green eyes blinked up and him, and now they were soft and childlike again. They closed once, twice, and then didn't open again.

He screamed.

He awoke with a gentle breeze caressing his face. The window was open, and the drawn curtains billowed soundlessly in the wind. He yawned and stretched, not feeling very inclined to get up quite yet, comfortable as he was between fresh sheets and a soft comforter. There was a note resting on the empty pillow beside him, and as he picked it up, he held it to his face for a moment before reading.

_Alucard,_

it's 6 a.m. and I'm on my way out – I didn't have the heart to wake you (plus, you were snoring and it was rather amusing to listen to while getting dressed). Get some rest and I'll see you at lunch. You know where to find me if you need me.

Walter  


Some six hours later, Walter in turn found a note on his door, very short but with a small arrow pointing towards the balcony. There were only two words written on it, and he knew the handwriting well enough. He grinned and put paper down, leaving it behind as he kicked his shoes off and headed for the balcony door.

_'If', Angel?_

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